12 Step Programs
 

 
We simply cannot find enough superlatives to describe how we appreciate the simple, subtle, empowerment that comes with regular attendance at a 12 step meeting.  It is a time proven approach has helped millions of sufferers and healed a world of hurt from the most difficult issues.

There are a huge number of 12 step programs existing in North America today ... and, we expect, all over the globe.  There are 12 step programs for a wide variety of issues such as:
 

• alcohol addiction
• teens of alcoholics
• partners of alcoholics
• parents of alcoholics
• sexual addiction
• narcotics addiction
• gambling addiction
• eating disorders
• etc.

My own personal experience comes from ACA ... Adult Children of Alcoholics.  In my view, the name is unfortunate.  Attending ACA meetings is appropriate for most anyone who suffers from growing up in a dysfunctional family OR anyone who contributed to one (or more) themselves.  My opinion is that most everyone fits this description to some degree.
 

 
Key to the ACA meeting is the outline of:
 

• Characteristics of an Adult Child
• The Problem
• The Solution
• The 12 steps
• The Promises
• The 12 Traditions

You can peruse the Characteristics and the Problem by scrolling down this page.  Full descriptions are available at their website linked at the beginning and the end of this page.  My thought is that these 12 step meetings are powerful for at least 3 reasons:
 

1. They use a structured process, a formula, and the approach has proven effective for thousands of other seekers.  Having a script means I am never lost as long as I commit to the process ... there is always a tangible way out of my immediate dilemma.
2. Releasing the burden of unexpressed grief instantly provides me with relief.
3. I realize that I am not alone.  Curiously, whenever I hear others share, their problems seem worse than mine and I find myself thinking that if they can keep going, so can I.

 
Any ACA meeting that we have attended has not had more than 25 persons in the sharing circle and most were much smaller having on average 4 or 5.  In fact we have had many meetings where only 2 or 3 were present.  Small meetings can also be quite wonderful.  My speculation is that the smallness contributes to the sense of intimacy that naturally encourages a deeper level of sharing more quickly. Although they have all felt wonderful, some of my favorite memories involve small meetings .
 
For a full script of a typical ACA meeting, feel welcome to contact me directly or put in an official request to www.adultchildren.org for the support of the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, Inc.  We expect that they will support you with ideas and supply you with a starter kit to get your meetings running smoothly.

The 14 Traits of an Adult Child, also known as The Laundry List, are shown below.  If you identify with any of these Traits, you may find a home in our Program. We welcome you.
 

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us to not look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism* is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics** and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics** are reactors rather than actors.

* While the Laundry List was originally created for those raised in families with alcohol abuse, over time our fellowship has become a program for those of us raised with all types of family dysfunction.
** Para-alcoholic was an early term used to describe those affected by an alcoholic’s behavior. The term evolved to co-alcoholic and codependent. Codependent people acquire certain traits in childhood that tend to cause them to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. Since these traits became problematic in our adult lives, ACA feels that it is essential to examine where they came from and heal from our childhood trauma in order to become the person we were meant to be.

The Problem
 

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional household.

We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.

We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us 'co-victims' ... those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue.

Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.

This is a description, not an indictment.

If you think that any of the descriptions above apply to you, you may appreciate connecting with the World Service Organization and checking out a meeting near you.
 

The following is a sample of something from Wisdom of the Rooms a weekly missive I find in my inbox and which I joyfully anticipate ... continuous support from my network of friends, associates, and experts, can be so very helpful ... you might want to subscribe.  For me, this quote is all about keeping the main thing the main thing.  I like this quote particularly because it reminds me of my personal roller coaster ride.

Quote of the Week
 

"Keep doing the things that got it good, not the things that got good."

 

I was in a meeting the other day when a guy took a newcomer chip for seven days sober. Before he sat down, he shared that he had twelve years but had gone out. He said it took almost five years to get seven days again, and that during those five years he went through hell. He lost his house again, his family, his career, and almost his life. He said he knew about meetings, about the program, about the disease, but he just couldn't muster the willingness to get sober again.

After the meeting, I asked him what had happened, and he related a familiar story. At twelve years sober, life was great. He owned a big house and had all the toys. He was near the top of his career, and slowly the trappings of success became more important. Suddenly, golfing with his buddies took the place of his Sunday meeting, and after a while he stopped calling his sponsor and reduced his meetings to once or twice a month. Then he stopped going all together. At a barbeque someone handed him a cold beer, and he was off.

As I left the meeting, I was chilled with fear. My life was going pretty well, too, and there were times when I stayed home to watch football on my massive LCD TV instead of going to my Sunday meeting. I didn't remember the last time I had spoken to my sponsor or if I even had one anymore. And that's when I heard today's quote: "Keep doing the things that got it good, not the things that got good." I vowed right then to reconnect and recommit to my recovery. After all, I remembered that you don't have to go out to start over.


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